Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Leaving and Being Left

I've only left Sabine with someone other than Kadin a handful of times. And when I have left her with one of my sisters or her grandmother, I'm gone under two hours or she's asleep.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. They say I need a break or that it's good for her, too. If Sabine is safely tucked into her bed for the night, I'm okay. Otherwise, I have to drink lots of wine in order to prevent myself from running home to be with her and see that she's okay with my own two eyeballs.

I'm sure my Sabine micromanagement tendencies make our family and friends feel like I think they're incompetent or like I don't trust them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It's not them, it's me. I'm a freak. I couldn't put my finger on why, but on Saturday night I lay awake thinking about it for hours.

It has to do with my mother's death. She was perfectly healthy one day, and the next, she had stomach cancer that had spread to her liver and was so far gone the doctors said she wouldn't live another year. I didn't believe them. I didn't know a world without her in it and I'd seen too many movies where sick people make heroic turnarounds. I thought that if anyone deserved a miracle, it was her. She believed in a god that I've never been able to feel. Couldn't and wouldn't that god spare someone who was so faithful, so good, so generous and still so loved and needed by her family? Unlike myself, who is somewhat resigned, my mother actually made the world a better place.

My time with her was cut short. She never met my husband or her granddaughter. I remember sitting at a San Francisco restaurant with her half way through her illness--my whole family was there--and she was more silent than she'd ever been. She kept looking around the table at each of our faces with tears streaming down her face. When she finally spoke, she said, "I can't leave you. I don't want to leave. I want to hold your babies."

This is why I cannot leave my little Sabine: I have no idea how much time I have with her. My mother's death taught me that anything--even the worst sort of thing--can happen to bad and wonderful people alike. Life is short. It flies like lightening and before you know it, you're moving on despite your will to remain with the people you love. 

I'm constantly and painfully aware of each and every single one of my moments with Sabine, before she goes to school, before she falls in love or finds a best friend, before she gets married and travels the world, before she's a mother--or before one of our lives ends. Nobody has told me exactly how many of these moments we have together--cuddling, laughing, exploring, crying, falling, feeling frustrated--so I'm taking all of them, good and bad. I'm soaking in and drinking up as many as I possibly can before they're gone. Because that day, just like every other day, is going to come.







6 comments:

Miss A said...

Once again you bring out the tears. I love when you talk about your mother. And I completely understand. If your biggest flaw as a mother so far is to be too present, Mazel Tov! I'm sure Sabine feels safe and loved.
As for you Mother... I am so so sorry. I believe in God, but I don't understand all of the pain and hurt...
Hugs.

Leslie said...

You're not crazy and you're not alone. Tons of mothers never leave their kids. But I think it's vital and important for you and for Sabine to be able to leave her and feel good about it. I think only good can come out of you being by yourself for a bit, doing something just for yourself/by yourself, and for Sabine to learn to feel secure and comfortable with other people who love her. I'm thinking your Mother would want that too...

Nancy said...

I was like that for the first 7-8 months of Olivia's life. Even when she was with my mom. So when I had to make a 5 day business trip overseas, I basically had a mini meltdown every day and skyped with my husband and her every day. But it just took a toll on my happiness. Not that I wasn't happy being with her but I was unhappy with the stress I was putting on myself.

But I know what you're saying about time... *hug*

Laura Mauk said...

thanks, you guys, for getting it and making me not feel so crazy for feeling like this. i think sabine is fine...so independent and not weepy when i do leave...it's me...but i hope to continue to grow, but also to accept who i am.

ocnrosa said...

I love this post and you are so right! its too short and when I feel frustrated at something, I think I am going to miss even that! And honestly if I didnt have to go to work,I would be the same way. Honestly, besides work, I have only been away from her a handful of times, I tote her everywhere...dentist,work meetings, parties where she is the only kid. I feel like a piece of me is missing when she is not around, I am not sure if its healthy or not, but Bella is very self confident and independent too so I am sure we are doing something right. They know they are loved.

Laura Mauk said...

@ocnrosa, yes, makes me feel so good that always being there has made them so fearless and happy :)

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