Monday, February 25, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Sabine is Three
I will never forget the day you turned three, my beauty. You were filled with smiles and wonder. And I was bursting with sunshine insides watching you ride your first ride, get your face painted princess pink and eat a giant lollipop. I never much liked amusement parks until this day, your third birthday.
The skies poured warm rain drops as we took silly family photos in a tiny booth; as you rode teacups and the carousel with dad; as you flew in a tiny air balloon and traversed rickety bridges and explored caves with mamma; as you drove race cars and flew airplanes all by yourself.
You opened your pink wooden princess castle and said, "Thanks, guys!". When we presented you with two more gifts, you said, "More?". (I know there will come a day when one present isn't enough. At least until you are old like me...when having a girl as beautiful as you is all the present you need.)
September 5, 2012, will always be the day I saw you glow with happiness at a series of firsts. You were thrilled and beaming at the spinning, the flying, the laughter, the sugar, the colors. I will never forget it.
You are three years old and you are my joy, Sabine. You make me so happy.
The skies poured warm rain drops as we took silly family photos in a tiny booth; as you rode teacups and the carousel with dad; as you flew in a tiny air balloon and traversed rickety bridges and explored caves with mamma; as you drove race cars and flew airplanes all by yourself.
You opened your pink wooden princess castle and said, "Thanks, guys!". When we presented you with two more gifts, you said, "More?". (I know there will come a day when one present isn't enough. At least until you are old like me...when having a girl as beautiful as you is all the present you need.)
September 5, 2012, will always be the day I saw you glow with happiness at a series of firsts. You were thrilled and beaming at the spinning, the flying, the laughter, the sugar, the colors. I will never forget it.
You are three years old and you are my joy, Sabine. You make me so happy.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Little Red Riding Hood and Flower Sister
Our Halloween (2012) looked like this. The sunlight cast a butterscotch glow over everything as we made our way up a tree-lined Pasadena hill that separates our small house from much bigger and fancier ones. Lucy (Alice in Wonderland) and Sabine, friends born two weeks apart, were beaming and tireless as they made their way from palace to mansion, collecting candy for the very first time. I never much liked Halloween until I watched them and fell in love with their bursting-at-the-seams spectacle. It was brighter and more beautiful than the sunlight that day. Just as brilliant: my five-month-old daisy, Zadie, who marveled at all of it while swaddled in my arms.
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| photos by Caren Kurlander |
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
zadie luz
a crazy woman told me i was beautiful today. i hadn't heard that for a long time. i haven't felt it much lately either. except when i'm breastfeeding zadie, that beautiful, smiling, baby of mine. she always grips my hand while she drinks her milk, and melts into my skin and makes my insides feel warm and complete.
we let her cry last week instead of picking her up right away so that she might sleep in her crib instead of our bed. she was waking every time i swallowed or moved a toe and then acting so sleepy during the day. k wanted his marriage back. i'd missed his arms, too. but now i miss her next to me all night long. a lot.
hearing her cry broke my heart. i cried in the dark in the bed beside her and whispered to my invisible mom floating somewhere above me to give me strength to get through it all. i was supposed to soothe lil zadie by simply rubbing her tummy, but i held her hand and picked her up and rocked her instead.
we are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor while zadie and sabine now sleep soundly in their respective rooms. the discomfort of our new non-bedroom is slowly becoming comfortable.
i'm so in love with her it hurts.
we let her cry last week instead of picking her up right away so that she might sleep in her crib instead of our bed. she was waking every time i swallowed or moved a toe and then acting so sleepy during the day. k wanted his marriage back. i'd missed his arms, too. but now i miss her next to me all night long. a lot.
hearing her cry broke my heart. i cried in the dark in the bed beside her and whispered to my invisible mom floating somewhere above me to give me strength to get through it all. i was supposed to soothe lil zadie by simply rubbing her tummy, but i held her hand and picked her up and rocked her instead.
we are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor while zadie and sabine now sleep soundly in their respective rooms. the discomfort of our new non-bedroom is slowly becoming comfortable.
i'm so in love with her it hurts.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Pillowcases, Not Blankets
Dear Sabine,
You are in love with pillowcases. You take them off of every pillow in the house no matter how many times I put them back on. You use them as blankets to sleep with. You wrap your dolls in them, calling them baby blankets. You put them on your head and play Little Red Riding Hood. And when you wake up each morning, you come downstairs or in my room with a pillowcase on your head, appearing like a nun or a some sort of peasant bride. You even sleep with these pillowcases wrapped around your head. It's really so silly and sweet and quirky that it makes me love you more than I already do.
You are in love with pillowcases. You take them off of every pillow in the house no matter how many times I put them back on. You use them as blankets to sleep with. You wrap your dolls in them, calling them baby blankets. You put them on your head and play Little Red Riding Hood. And when you wake up each morning, you come downstairs or in my room with a pillowcase on your head, appearing like a nun or a some sort of peasant bride. You even sleep with these pillowcases wrapped around your head. It's really so silly and sweet and quirky that it makes me love you more than I already do.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Mixed Bag of Thoughts
Zadie, if you don't take longer naps, how will I ever miss you and have that I-can't-wait-to-see-you feeling? It's a really good feeling, I promise. So if you ever want to feel it, you should take longer naps.
I made paper crowns--decorated with glitter and fairy stickers--today with Sabine. About twenty seconds after putting hers on and running to see it in the mirror, I heard a terrible ripping sound and "I don wan it." So much for arts and crafts with tiny monster.
Yesterday, Sabine asked: "Mama, please I hold a baby crocodile."
Then, when I plucked her from her bed the other morning, she said, "Last night, I closed my eyes and tried and tried to change colors but it didn't work." I asked what color she wanted to be and she said, "pink."
And a few weeks ago Sabine saw a huge batch of mashed potato-like cumulus clouds atop the craggy San Gabriel mountains and asked, "Mama, please I go touch those clouds?" I told her when she gets a little bigger and I get a little richer, we can take a hot air balloon ride. I've actually taken one and it's pretty amazing. I'll just have to keep her from leaping out of the basket.
Oh Zadie, I feel your first tooth poking through in the bottom right side of your gums. And you're not even fussy. Please don't grow any more teeth because I am simply not ready to lose that gummy ear-to-ear grin you shower me with every time I walk into the room or smile at you. When you do that, it's kind of the best feeling in the world. You sure know how to make a mama feel loved.
I made paper crowns--decorated with glitter and fairy stickers--today with Sabine. About twenty seconds after putting hers on and running to see it in the mirror, I heard a terrible ripping sound and "I don wan it." So much for arts and crafts with tiny monster.
Yesterday, Sabine asked: "Mama, please I hold a baby crocodile."
Then, when I plucked her from her bed the other morning, she said, "Last night, I closed my eyes and tried and tried to change colors but it didn't work." I asked what color she wanted to be and she said, "pink."
And a few weeks ago Sabine saw a huge batch of mashed potato-like cumulus clouds atop the craggy San Gabriel mountains and asked, "Mama, please I go touch those clouds?" I told her when she gets a little bigger and I get a little richer, we can take a hot air balloon ride. I've actually taken one and it's pretty amazing. I'll just have to keep her from leaping out of the basket.
Oh Zadie, I feel your first tooth poking through in the bottom right side of your gums. And you're not even fussy. Please don't grow any more teeth because I am simply not ready to lose that gummy ear-to-ear grin you shower me with every time I walk into the room or smile at you. When you do that, it's kind of the best feeling in the world. You sure know how to make a mama feel loved.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Mouth of a Babe
Sabine's latest words and phrases (are killing me):
Isn't that awesome, mama?
It's so cool!
Mama, you're my best friend.
I love you so much.
You're a naked butt.
Don't be a booger.
Stop whining, mama.
You have to listen to me.
Why not? (Uttered at least 8, 564 times each day.)
Stop talking to dada.
Hold you me.
No naps! I tired.
Sweet dreams.
Calm down, Yorya. (Translation: calm down, Laura. She got this one from a naughty neighbor boy and got in big trouble when she said it.)
That's MY sister! (Every time someone tries to touch or hold Zadie.)
Mama, I just be a mean girl (every time she does something naughty).
I sorry. (Said about 9, 000 times per day.)
And, she calls McDonald's "Old McDonald's."
Isn't that awesome, mama?
It's so cool!
Mama, you're my best friend.
I love you so much.
You're a naked butt.
Don't be a booger.
Stop whining, mama.
You have to listen to me.
Why not? (Uttered at least 8, 564 times each day.)
Stop talking to dada.
Hold you me.
No naps! I tired.
Sweet dreams.
Calm down, Yorya. (Translation: calm down, Laura. She got this one from a naughty neighbor boy and got in big trouble when she said it.)
That's MY sister! (Every time someone tries to touch or hold Zadie.)
Mama, I just be a mean girl (every time she does something naughty).
I sorry. (Said about 9, 000 times per day.)
And, she calls McDonald's "Old McDonald's."
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Love Letter
I don't have time to write much these days. Zadie was born almost two and a half months ago and I've got my hands full with her fourteen pounds of perfection and Sabine's thirty something pounds of boundless energy.
I'm making time to put my current thoughts on paper (so to speak) so that I remember how I feel right now and so that Sabine and Zadie will know--sometime in their future--how blissfully over the moon they make me.
Sabine has adjusted to having a little sister. She was jealous and terrible at first, but now she cannot stop kissing and squishing baby Zadie, who is quite possibly the mellowist, sweetest, easiest, sleepiest, happiest, most easily consoled baby in the whole world. Sometimes I ask myself what I've done to deserve her because so far in my life, nothing has been this easy.
Zadie is in her swing now as I type this and is smiling so impossibly big that her mouth has taken over her entire face and my heart is a warm puddle of melted organ inside my body. Sabine is playing at a neighbor's house without momma or dada. There was a time not too long ago when Sabine wouldn't go anywhere without me. She always looked back to make sure I was close by when she tackled some adventure. But lately, she doesn't look back at all. I thought my heart would break when she stopped looking back. But my heart wants to burst out of this chest at the thought of her being so brave, confident, outgoing and beside herself excited about the smallest thing, or, the biggest thing in her eyes. I'm proud to let her loose into this wild world, to let her discover and soak up everything and anything that her little heart desires. I want to watch her swim in a glittering lake or turquoise waves and be dwarfed by epic and towering sequoias for the first time. She will travel and climb mountains and swing high and run as fast she can with boundless curiosity into almost everything she does. And I'm proud and happy that she is mine and so full of life. And I will be here every time when she needs a place to come home to; arms to hold her; a voice to console her.
And for now, I'm holding onto Zadie's quiet sweetness. I'm swimming in her smiles and affection, waiting for her to blossom into someone wonderful, but different from her sister. I can't wait to discover who she will be. Motherhood is quite possibly the best thing I've ever done (and I've done a lot).
I'm making time to put my current thoughts on paper (so to speak) so that I remember how I feel right now and so that Sabine and Zadie will know--sometime in their future--how blissfully over the moon they make me.
Sabine has adjusted to having a little sister. She was jealous and terrible at first, but now she cannot stop kissing and squishing baby Zadie, who is quite possibly the mellowist, sweetest, easiest, sleepiest, happiest, most easily consoled baby in the whole world. Sometimes I ask myself what I've done to deserve her because so far in my life, nothing has been this easy.
Zadie is in her swing now as I type this and is smiling so impossibly big that her mouth has taken over her entire face and my heart is a warm puddle of melted organ inside my body. Sabine is playing at a neighbor's house without momma or dada. There was a time not too long ago when Sabine wouldn't go anywhere without me. She always looked back to make sure I was close by when she tackled some adventure. But lately, she doesn't look back at all. I thought my heart would break when she stopped looking back. But my heart wants to burst out of this chest at the thought of her being so brave, confident, outgoing and beside herself excited about the smallest thing, or, the biggest thing in her eyes. I'm proud to let her loose into this wild world, to let her discover and soak up everything and anything that her little heart desires. I want to watch her swim in a glittering lake or turquoise waves and be dwarfed by epic and towering sequoias for the first time. She will travel and climb mountains and swing high and run as fast she can with boundless curiosity into almost everything she does. And I'm proud and happy that she is mine and so full of life. And I will be here every time when she needs a place to come home to; arms to hold her; a voice to console her.
And for now, I'm holding onto Zadie's quiet sweetness. I'm swimming in her smiles and affection, waiting for her to blossom into someone wonderful, but different from her sister. I can't wait to discover who she will be. Motherhood is quite possibly the best thing I've ever done (and I've done a lot).
Friday, April 13, 2012
Disjointed Friday
Do you watch Basketball Wives? When did it turn into the Jerry Springer show? Watching it makes me feel dirty.
I was so lazy and relaxed yesterday after my massage that I told Kadin I'd have sex with him if he cooked dinner (it was my night to do so).
Last night, we started reading Cat in the Hat to Sabine before bedtime. (Is that the longest, most rambling book in America or what? One shouldn't underestimate the value of a good editor.) Sabine told me to stop reading and then asked Kadin to turn off the light. Um, this never happens. Never.
Recently, we let tiny monster watch Tangled (the story of Rapunzel). She now completely freaks out anytime another woman tries to talk to her, clutches me like a wet kitten and says, "No, this my mama."
I wish I could see the Radiohead show everyone is talking about.
I'd rather be tarred and feathered than go to Coachella. I'm too old to concert camp, hike to a stage and rub shoulders with thousands of sweaty teenagers in cut-off jean shorts.
Sabine's new favorite song is Prince's I Would Die For You. God, I love her.
My cousin (a mother of four) is about to run the Boston Marathon. I'm exhausted and impressed just thinking about it. The only thing I've run for lately are tacos, cheesecake and the sofa.
I'm super excited to see the new Domino magazine.
I'm not super excited that bathing suit season is upon us. How long can one where a maternity swimsuit after having a baby?
Even though I complain about my pregnancy aches and pains and joke about being an old lady, I'm immensely and wonderfully thankful that I'm able to be pregnant and carry this tiny human at all. I don't take it for granted for even one second.
TGIF. No, really. We finally have zero plans!
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| via Observando |
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Vacation: All I Ever Wanted
Today I'm going to the doctor (until now, Sabine has come with me to every single appointment) ALONE while Kadin takes Sabine to the zoo, her favorite place on earth. After seeing the doctor I'm getting a pedicure (I can't see my toes but other people can) and a prenatal massage.
I'm so happy I could cry. No, really (hey, my hormones are off the hook. What did you expect? I'm forty and pregnant for godsakes).
Can a 35-weeks pregnant lady even fit on a massage table? (PS: I look nothing like the lady in the image below while wearing a bathing suit, which I try not to do--especially while pregnant.)
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| via The Beauty File |
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