Wednesday, October 10, 2012

zadie luz

a crazy woman told me i was beautiful today. i hadn't heard that for a long time. i haven't felt it much lately either. except when i'm breastfeeding zadie, that beautiful, smiling, baby of mine. she always grips my hand while she drinks her milk, and melts into my skin and makes my insides feel warm and complete.

we let her cry last week instead of picking her up right away so that she might sleep in her crib instead of our bed. she was waking every time i swallowed or moved a toe and then acting so sleepy during the day. k wanted his marriage back. i'd missed his arms, too. but now i miss her next to me all night long. a lot.

hearing her cry broke my heart. i cried in the dark in the bed beside her and whispered to my invisible mom floating somewhere above me to give me strength to get through it all. i was supposed to soothe lil zadie by simply rubbing her tummy, but i held her hand and picked her up and rocked her instead.

we are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor while zadie and sabine now sleep soundly in their respective rooms. the discomfort of our new non-bedroom is slowly becoming comfortable.

i'm so in love with her it hurts.


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