After I hung up with Kadin, I sat on the couch and stared at the wall--and cried some more. I was happy, but I was terrified, too. All I could think was that I could never love another little one as much as I love Sabine. And, is having another one going to take some of me away from her? I don't want to share myself with anyone else. Sabine and I are so tight and I don't want that to change. Twos company; three's a crowd, you know?
I also cried because as I've mentioned here, the beginning with Sabine is the second most difficult thing I've ever been through (my mother's death is the first). I flashed back to sleepless nights and days; to pumping (I hate pumping); to never showering; to being housebound for what felt like forever; to so much crying that didn't stop no matter what I did; to painfully missing my husband because we'd just gotten married and suddenly had zero time together; to missing my mother, who I never wanted to see and question more than I did during those first months.
I'm petrified of going through all of this again. But the first time is always the hardest, right? The more you do something and become familiar, the easier it is, right? And there's no way the second one could be as difficult as the first--he or she has to be a more mellow baby, right? Well, these things are what I'm telling myself. Maybe they are lies, but for now, they're working.
What's not working is the sudden lack of coffee and wine in my life. Sigh.
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| Image via Observando |
9 comments:
I cried too, when I found out I was pregnant with the second...it's overwhelming because even though you're happy, you know how difficult it can be because you've been through it before. In other words, you're all the wiser.
I know a lot of moms who wanted a second and then cried for days after they found out they were pregnant. They cried for themselves and for their first born and the change that was going to happen. But once the second was born, all those feeling immediately disappeared. Also I do hear that the second one is usually easier.
Yeah, I've heard the same thing. A woman is both happy and a little sad--I think we just mourn the change. But once we see that the change is manageable and good, we're fine.
I completely understand. You're not alone!
I think we all feel at least a little bit like this the second time around, but no one talks about it because they don't want to sound negative or be judged for feeling this way. I commend your honesty. It doesn't mean you aren't happy/excited and won't love that second baby just as much as you love the first.
I get it. But these are the things people are too afraid to talk about or admit.
Congrats!!!
Don't even worry about it. Having a second is wonderful and great in all ways. I never had a moments doubt after my second was born. And my rule is after a diffcult baby you get an easy one. I promise, that's how it works :)
@Leslie, While I don't feel at all sad now, I feel terrible that I felt this way (and wrote the post) at first. Please tell me I'm normal.
Thanks, everyone. I wanted to write these feelings down because they were honest at the time--when I'd just found out. And I think it's important for us moms to be honest and reveal these things so the rest of us don't feel crazy, guilty or alone. Though, I'm happy to report that now all I can think about are the good parts--there's only happiness :)
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