After I hung up with Kadin, I sat on the couch and stared at the wall--and cried some more. I was happy, but I was terrified, too. All I could think was that I could never love another little one as much as I love Sabine. And, is having another one going to take some of me away from her? I don't want to share myself with anyone else. Sabine and I are so tight and I don't want that to change. Twos company; three's a crowd, you know?
I also cried because as I've mentioned here, the beginning with Sabine is the second most difficult thing I've ever been through (my mother's death is the first). I flashed back to sleepless nights and days; to pumping (I hate pumping); to never showering; to being housebound for what felt like forever; to so much crying that didn't stop no matter what I did; to painfully missing my husband because we'd just gotten married and suddenly had zero time together; to missing my mother, who I never wanted to see and question more than I did during those first months.
I'm petrified of going through all of this again. But the first time is always the hardest, right? The more you do something and become familiar, the easier it is, right? And there's no way the second one could be as difficult as the first--he or she has to be a more mellow baby, right? Well, these things are what I'm telling myself. Maybe they are lies, but for now, they're working.
What's not working is the sudden lack of coffee and wine in my life. Sigh.
|Image via Observando|