Thursday, June 30, 2011

Embarrassing, But I Wrote It Anyway

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I had a birth control device removed because Kadin and I were sure about the sequel to Sabine even though she has been my most difficult career chapter to date, and even though the first year of caring for her felt a lot like climbing the Andes.

We told ourselves that it was now or never (he married an old lady); that it's better to not get too comfortable before having our freedom ripped away again; and that if two children are closer in age, it will pay off later when they're able to entertain each other and leave us alone for five minutes. So we psyched ourselves up and wer)e in agreement. Until the night after the doctor's appointment. We did what married people don't do as often after having children. And Kadin--unexpectedly and without warning--did what a guy does who is not wearing protection and doesn't want to get a girl pregnant. I laughed and told him it was impossible to conceive the day of having said device removed. And he told me that he didn't plan the gesture, that maybe, subconsciously, he just wants a little more time with his wife again before losing her to a little one, who at first, needs practically everything she has to give.

I loved hearing that he felt this way and want more of him, too. It was endearing and romantic, but still completely hilarious that he got all teenage boy on me. So I, of course, told my sisters and my closest friends the story (I got clearance before blabbing). And even though he was okay with my over sharing for humor's sake, he didn't really want to be the star of THAT story again. So the next time we did what married people with young children are usually too tired and busy to do, Kadin didn't do what he did the first time. And once I realized this, I immediately started sobbing.

It wasn't a happy sob. It was an oh-crap-I-could-be-pregnant sob. All of a sudden, the feelings of the first year with Sabine came flooding back--no sleep, no help, inconsolable, acid reflux, can't go anywhere, I miss my husband--and I was terrified at the thought of going through it again. I was also heartbroken at the thought of not being able to give my maternal everything to Sabine or having to take some of it away and give it to another person that I won't even know or will have just met. Nobody can be better than she is. And I don't want anything or anyone to come between us or that special bond that we so treacherously and lovingly built.

I guess we are ostensibly trying and officially not trying to have another baby. Clearly, our intellectual and emotional selves are on completely different pages. So I have no idea what is going to happen or what we will do in the end. But for now, I'm going to soak up as much alone time with Sabine as I can. And I am going to collect and hoard as much Kadin time as humanly possible. I'm thinking cocktails and movies and long conversations and maybe even a trip to some faraway place.

We're insane. It's a real cliff hanger of a situation. I'll keep you posted.

Image via Observando

1 comment:

Leslie said...

Ok, now I'm super excited for you! I will be living vicariously through you.... Love the whole TTC journey and I'm never going on that road again. Good luck!


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