For two weeks or so now, Sabine needs a lot less mama than she used to. Previously, she would come and cuddle with me, sit on my lap or shoulder to shoulder with me wherever I was in the house. She used to cry if I left home without her. When she went somewhere with Kadin, she would come home, fling the door open and search the house high and low until she found me. Before, if I was not by her side, she was clearly missing something and would go to great lengths to find her other half.
When Sabine comes home with her dad now, she looks for her friends, the neighborhood children, and not for me. When we're watching TV together, she stands in front of the screen and either jumps or dances nonstop vs. sitting beside me. When I leave the house, she says, "bye ma," and goes back to whatever she was doing.
I'm part devastated and part really happy about this. On one hand, I miss her already. I miss our closeness. I miss nuzzling her and having a fifth appendage, which, over time, I'd learned to do everything with. It feels like something is suddenly missing. It seems that two weeks ago, I had a baby, an extension of myself. But now, Sabine is a little person, who wants to do everything by herself. Her desire and curiosity far out-weigh her need to be with me. She would most definitely choose the ocean, bugs or chocolate over her mama. She loves life and the world all around her. I swear she called me "mom" the other day.
On the other hand, I'm incredibly happy for her and proud of myself for helping her to build such a solid foundation and lust for life. She's happy, confident, fearless, social and so capable of so many things. It's mind blowing and heart expanding to see her jump head first, eyes wide open into everything with such fervor.
I can't imagine how I'm going to feel in five years or ten years or when she goes off to college or maybe gets married someday. I'm starting to realize that one of the biggest and hardest things about motherhood is not holding on too tightly. And I hate it. Because I want to squeeze her and hold her in my arms for forever and always.