zadie luz

a crazy woman told me i was beautiful today. i hadn't heard that for a long time. i haven't felt it much lately either. except when i'm breastfeeding zadie, that beautiful, smiling, baby of mine. she always grips my hand while she drinks her milk, and melts into my skin and makes my insides feel warm and complete.

we let her cry last week instead of picking her up right away so that she might sleep in her crib instead of our bed. she was waking every time i swallowed or moved a toe and then acting so sleepy during the day. k wanted his marriage back. i'd missed his arms, too. but now i miss her next to me all night long. a lot.

hearing her cry broke my heart. i cried in the dark in the bed beside her and whispered to my invisible mom floating somewhere above me to give me strength to get through it all. i was supposed to soothe lil zadie by simply rubbing her tummy, but i held her hand and picked her up and rocked her instead.

we are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor while zadie and sabine now sleep soundly in their respective rooms. the discomfort of our new non-bedroom is slowly becoming comfortable.

i'm so in love with her it hurts.

Pillowcases, Not Blankets

Dear Sabine,

You are in love with pillowcases. You take them off of every pillow in the house no matter how many times I put them back on. You use them as blankets to sleep with. You wrap your dolls in them, calling them baby blankets. You put them on your head and play Little Red Riding Hood. And when you wake up each morning, you come downstairs or in my room with a pillowcase on your head, appearing like a nun or a some sort of peasant bride. You even sleep with these pillowcases wrapped around your head. It's really so silly and sweet and quirky that it makes me love you more than I already do.

Mixed Bag of Thoughts

Zadie, if you don't take longer naps, how will I ever miss you and have that I-can't-wait-to-see-you feeling? It's a really good feeling, I promise. So if you ever want to feel it, you should take longer naps.

I made paper crowns--decorated with glitter and fairy stickers--today with Sabine. About twenty seconds after putting hers on and running to see it in the mirror, I heard a terrible ripping sound and "I don wan it." So much for arts and crafts with tiny monster.

Yesterday, Sabine asked: "Mama, please I hold a baby crocodile."

Then, when I plucked her from her bed the other morning, she said, "Last night, I closed my eyes and tried and tried to change colors but it didn't work." I asked what color she wanted to be and she said, "pink."

And a few weeks ago Sabine saw a huge batch of mashed potato-like cumulus clouds atop the craggy San Gabriel mountains and asked, "Mama, please I go touch those clouds?" I told her when she gets a little bigger and I get a little richer, we can take a hot air balloon ride. I've actually taken one and it's pretty amazing. I'll just have to keep her from leaping out of the basket.

Oh Zadie, I feel your first tooth poking through in the bottom right side of your gums. And you're not even fussy. Please don't grow any more teeth because I am simply not ready to lose that gummy ear-to-ear grin you shower me with every time I walk into the room or smile at you. When you do that, it's kind of the best feeling in the world. You sure know how to make a mama feel loved.

The Mouth of a Babe

Sabine's latest words and phrases (are killing me):


Isn't that awesome, mama?

It's so cool!

Mama, you're my best friend.

I love you so much.

You're a naked butt.

Don't be a booger.

Stop whining, mama.

You have to listen to me.

Why not? (Uttered at least 8, 564 times each day.)

Stop talking to dada.

Hold you me.

No naps! I tired.

Sweet dreams.

Calm down, Yorya. (Translation: calm down, Laura. She got this one from a naughty neighbor boy and got in big trouble when she said it.)

That's MY sister! (Every time someone tries to touch or hold Zadie.)

Mama, I just be a mean girl (every time she does something naughty).

I sorry. (Said about 9, 000 times per day.)

And, she calls McDonald's "Old McDonald's."

Huge.

I can't believe I was shocked when people asked me if I was having twins. 

These images were taken when I was nine months pregnant. When Zadie was born on May 20, she weighed almost ten pounds. She was as big as two five pound babies. I was HUGE. Hindsight is 20/20.

Love Letter

I don't have time to write much these days. Zadie was born almost two and a half months ago and I've got my hands full with her fourteen pounds of perfection and Sabine's thirty something pounds of boundless energy.

I'm making time to put my current thoughts on paper (so to speak) so that I remember how I feel right now and so that Sabine and Zadie will know--sometime in their future--how blissfully over the moon they make me.

Sabine has adjusted to having a little sister. She was jealous and terrible at first, but now she cannot stop kissing and squishing baby Zadie, who is quite possibly the mellowist, sweetest, easiest, sleepiest, happiest, most easily consoled baby in the whole world. Sometimes I ask myself what I've done to deserve her because so far in my life, nothing has been this easy.

Zadie is in her swing now as I type this and is smiling so impossibly big that her mouth has taken over her entire face and my heart is a warm puddle of melted organ inside my body. Sabine is playing at a neighbor's house without momma or dada. There was a time not too long ago when Sabine wouldn't go anywhere without me. She always looked back to make sure I was close by when she tackled some adventure. But lately, she doesn't look back at all. I thought my heart would break when she stopped looking back. But my heart wants to burst out of this chest at the thought of her being so brave, confident, outgoing and beside herself excited about the smallest thing, or, the biggest thing in her eyes. I'm proud to let her loose into this wild world, to let her discover and soak up everything and anything that her little heart desires. I want to watch her swim in a glittering lake or turquoise waves and be dwarfed by epic and towering sequoias for the first time. She will travel and climb mountains and swing high and run as fast she can with boundless curiosity into almost everything she does. And I'm proud and happy that she is mine and so full of life. And I will be here every time when she needs a place to come home to; arms to hold her; a voice to console her.

And for now, I'm holding onto Zadie's quiet sweetness. I'm swimming in her smiles and affection, waiting for her to blossom into someone wonderful, but different from her sister. I can't wait to discover who she will be. Motherhood is quite possibly the best thing I've ever done (and I've done a lot).

Disjointed Friday

Do you watch Basketball Wives? When did it turn into the Jerry Springer show? Watching it makes me feel dirty.

I was so lazy and relaxed yesterday after my massage that I told Kadin I'd have sex with him if he cooked dinner (it was my night to do so).

Last night, we started reading Cat in the Hat to Sabine before bedtime. (Is that the longest, most rambling book in America or what? One shouldn't underestimate the value of a good editor.) Sabine told me to stop reading and then asked Kadin to turn off the light. Um, this never happens. Never.

Recently, we let tiny monster watch Tangled (the story of Rapunzel). She now completely freaks out anytime another woman tries to talk to her, clutches me like a wet kitten and says, "No, this my mama."

I wish I could see the Radiohead show everyone is talking about.

I'd rather be tarred and feathered than go to Coachella. I'm too old to concert camp, hike to a stage and rub shoulders with thousands of sweaty teenagers in cut-off jean shorts.

Sabine's new favorite song is Prince's I Would Die For You. God, I love her.

My cousin (a mother of four) is about to run the Boston Marathon. I'm exhausted and impressed just thinking about it. The only thing I've run for lately are tacos, cheesecake and the sofa.

I'm super excited to see the new Domino magazine.

I'm not super excited that bathing suit season is upon us. How long can one where a maternity swimsuit after having a baby? 

Even though I complain about my pregnancy aches and pains and joke about being an old lady, I'm immensely and wonderfully thankful that I'm able to be pregnant and carry this tiny human at all. I don't take it for granted for even one second.

TGIF. No, really. We finally have zero plans!

via Observando

Design Matters

Cool ideas for your nest.

via Pinterest

Vacation: All I Ever Wanted

Today I'm going to the doctor (until now, Sabine has come with me to every single appointment) ALONE while Kadin takes Sabine to the zoo, her favorite place on earth. After seeing the doctor I'm getting a pedicure (I can't see my toes but other people can) and a prenatal massage. 

I'm so happy I could cry. No, really (hey, my hormones are off the hook. What did you expect? I'm forty and pregnant for godsakes). 

Can a 35-weeks pregnant lady even fit on a massage table? (PS: I look nothing like the lady in the image below while wearing a bathing suit, which I try not to do--especially while pregnant.)

via The Beauty File

The Need for Inspiration

Sometimes just looking at fashion/style photos can pull me out of my t-shirt and yoga pants rut.

Funny Stuff and Difficult Things

My sister told me the funniest story about a conversation her three kids had in the backseat while she was driving the other day. They were on the freeway when she swerved to avoid a dead, smushed bunny in the road. Her oldest child asked, "What was that, mama?" She replied that it was a dead bunny.  (Note: this is when I would assuredly lie, calling the object in the road a fuzzy piece of trash to avoid a conversation about death and cute, furry animals.) There was a long silence before one of her girl twins said, "Maybe it was one of the bunnies we see when we walk with dada in the morning." (They love running into those bunnies by the way.) My sister replied that she didn't think it was one of their local bunnies because they were too far from the house. Insert an even longer silence before the twin then said, "Maybe it was the easter bunny." This time, there was dead silence and looks of horror all around. The oldest child, very upset, started yelling and going on an on about how there was no way it could be the easter bunny because he doesn't use the freeway, only goes to people's houses and does so during the night when they're sleeping.

Hilarious.

In other not so surprising news, I'm seriously struggling with carrying around what seems to be a ginormous baby inside my body. Unlike when I was pregnant with Sabine, I have many more aches and pains, none of my clothing fits, it hurts to sit upright and I continue to get an alarming amount of comments about the hugeness of my belly, making me feeling like some kind of carnie freak.

At about one o'clock each day, I physically crumble and need to lay on my side cause the pains are too great. Sabine has been a trooper. Thank goodness she's now into painting and coloring and stickers.

I'm seriously struggling here and cannot imagine feeling like this for at least another three and a half weeks. I asked Kadin for another short back massage last night before we went to sleep. He begrudgingly obliged in silence and with one hand. Then I started going on about how I don't think he has any idea how insane this is/feels or what a struggle it is every single day. His response? "Oh I think you're handling it pretty well." Then he turned over and continued watching TV. Dude, I get more sympathy from my two-year old.

I guess the bottom line is that carrying, giving birth to and then being the main caregiver to a tiny human is by far the hardest and most trying thing I've ever done. But I guess a guy, even a beloved life partner, can never really understand that.

via Observando

Best Dress

If I were ever to have a wedding, I'd wear this.

via The Beauty File

The Professional

One of our close friends, Caren Kurlander, took these images of us and mostly Sabine over the weekend. Isn't she super talented? Sabine was seriously making out with that giant lollipop while the stripes on my dress were seriously working over time to cover the giant baby inside my giant belly. If you're interested in having Caren shoot you, too, send me an email (lmaukcaines@gmail.com). She's sweet, brings fun props and makes you feel ridiculously comfortable.

Simple, Delicious

I'm dying for these. So easy to make and eating them won't make you feel too guilty. They're the perfect dessert in my humble opinion. (via thesweetslife)

Cheesecake Stuffed Strawberries
from Nutmeg Nanny

Ingredients:
-1 lb large strawberries
-8 oz. cream cheese, softened (can use 1/3 less fat)
-3-4 tbsp powdered sugar (4 tbsp for a sweeter filling)
-1 tsp vanilla extract
-graham cracker crumbs

Directions:
1. Rinse strawberries and cut around the top of the strawberry. Remove the top and clean out with a paring knife, if necessary (some may already be hollow inside). Prep all strawberries and set aside.
2. In a mixing bowl, beat cream cheese, powdered sugar, and vanilla until creamy. Add cream cheese mix to a piping bag or ziploc with the corner snipped off. Fill strawberries with cheesecake mixture. Once strawberries are filled, dip the top in graham cracker crumbs. If not serving immediately, refrigerate until serving.

Happy Spring!

Watching Sabine hunt for eggs on Sunday was practically the sweetest thing I've ever seen. She had the time of her life (even though her favorite holiday is Halloween). Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am or that she's mine.

Kitchen Confidential

Dreaming of more spacious, uncluttered, well-designed kitchens--again.

Little Love

In the past two weeks Sabine has learned to ride her tricycle, been completely potty trained and has been accepted to preschool for the fall. Every time I tell her she will soon be going to school, I also tell her that I won't be there with her but that I will miss her and wish she was home with me. And each time, she answers, "No, mama. I need to go to school." That kid is like a bucket of cold water on my head, constantly shaking me out of any romantic notions of motherhood. She moves much faster through stages than I'd like her to. Sometimes I want to just keep her small and under my wing forever and ever.

My size has caused me to be much less patient with her and I feel guilty about it. When I'm driving us around and hoping for a mental moment to myself, I look through the rearview mirror and see her singing along to Prince. She says, "C'mon mama," so I will sing along with her and then I just melt. Or sometimes, in a display of affection, she holds my face in her hands and says, "I so prow uh you, mama. I uh you." (Translation: I'm so proud of you, mama. I love you.)

Even though I'm eight months pregnant and she weighs thirty pounds, I still pick her up when she asks, "Hold you me?" (Translation: Hold me?) And I plan on doing so for as long as I possibly can because I know a day is coming soon where she will either be too big to carry or too independent to want her mama to hold her anymore.

H&M Cuteness

There is some serious cuteness happening over at H&M. Go ahead, buy your little one more clothes she does not need. They're so affordable you can't say no.

Hunger Games

Have you guys heard about all the controversy surrounding race and the Hunger Games movie? I first heard about it here: 37 Paddington.

Apparently, a lot of moviegoers were unhappy that the characters of Rue, Thresh and Cinna were cast  as Black actors. In the book, 12-year-old Rue is described as having dark brown skin and eyes.  Amandla Stenberg, who plays Rue in the movie, in fact has brown skin and eyes. Thresh, played by Dayo Okeniyi, is also described as having dark brown skin. The book's author did not specify skin color for the character of Cinna, the Capitol stylist played by Lenny Kravitz.

In an effort to illustrate the fact that readers/moviegoers were not simply disappointed that whatever image of these characters they had in their minds was not accurately depicted in the movie and that their disappointment was perhaps more about race, it's important to mention another point about the movie's cast. Katniss, the main character in the book, was described as having straight black hair and olive skin. Many people imagined her as Native American, but blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jennifer Lawrence played the part. There was not any backlash in reaction to this casting decision. However, there was a rash of tweets and Facebook comments in reaction to the casting choices for Rue, Cinna and Thresh. Here are some examples:

via 37 Paddington

When I read these comments, I think about the color of Sabine's skin and eyes and the texture of her hair. I think about how I've never known what it's like to be hated because of my physical attributes--things a group of people decided were ugly or offensive or not good enough simply because they are different from their own. I would take a lifetime of that hatred and carry it on my shoulders if it meant that Sabine did not have to experience it. 

When people say we are in a post-racist society, I think they should log on to Twitter or Facebook and check out some the crap they might discover. These tweets and comments speak to the fact that we are nowhere near post-racist.

When Kadin and I talked about this the other night, he said that experiencing that hatred will be a part of Sabine's life. He told me I cannot spare her that and on some level, I need to accept this fact. He added that we simply need to give her as much love, affection, support, confidence and happy moments to combat and carry her through that negativity. So that's what we'll do...for this most beautiful, alive, loving, generous, silly, brave, strong and amazing girl who I'm lucky enough to call daughter.