Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tightrope Walking

I'm back. I think.

I had to disappear/take a break shortly because I've been so incredibly nauseous  and hormonal all day every day that I could not pull it together to think or do little more than take care of tiny Sabine.

I've also felt fresh out of things to say. I'm not sure if it's because I've said so much already or because the nausea has seeped into my brain and taken it over completely. And if you've ever had that happen--feeling dizzy, dry heaving and like you're going to hurl from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep so that you can't even think straight, see or feel much else--then you know it can leave you in somewhat of a dark place.

And that dark place has become a guilty place, too. Because the last thing I want to feel is depressed when I have this wonder of a miniature human being named Sabine, who has so much love to give and blows my mind on a daily basis. Or when I have a husband who is so patient and understanding that he doesn't at all mind when I a)fall asleep at 9 p.m. every night; b)prepare practically inedible meals because the smell of most food items leaves me bent over the sink or the toilet bowl; and c)have been the pilot who has steered our sex life into the nose dive position.

(*side note: I am not and never have been as house wife-y as the above paragraph makes me sound. I cook four days a week and Kadin cooks three. Or we order takeout. And I do not not believe that I should regularly give it up to my husband as some sort of marital responsibility...but sex is fun when you don't feel like you're going to vomit. And Kadin is five years younger than I am--and not nauseous.)

And, of course, I also feel guilty about the fact that I'm at a point where I cannot enjoy the fact that I'm growing a little life inside my belly.

Why does it seem that when you're depressed or sick, everyone else is walking around the world with perfect sanity, health, happiness and togetherness? It's like I've only been able to see beautifully fashionable women or unburdened moms pushing smiling babies beneath golden trees and the bluest fall skies that I haven't been able to soak up.

I read recently in some trashy celebrity magazine that Jessica Simpson said something about how she loves being pregnant and could be pregnant forever. Kadin says she feels this way because now has an excuse to eat whatever she wants.

I wish I loved pregnancy in the way some women do. Conceptually, I think it's extraordinary that cells grow rapidly in your body and bloom into tiny people who you love so much you'd die for them. But in my own practical experience, the first three months of pregnancy are a vomit-filled hell. And during months seven and a half through nine, I'm crippled by constant heartburn and the inability to sleep or bend over.

The good news is that as of Monday, I'm officially finished with my tightrope walking experience  known as the first trimester. I've felt much less queasy and crazy in the past few days. I hope that I will soon be swooning and starry-eyed and brimming with pregnancy glow. I'm ready for a sunny second trimester. So are Kadin and Sabine. Cross your fingers.

via Observando


Miss A said...

Rhaaa. I totally understand you. No, I mean really, I was once pregnant with my ex fiancé (and neither worked out, pregnancy nor fiancé, thank God!). But the pregnancy which lasted four months, were four hellish months of vomiting, non showering, eating nothing but sour apple and eating ice cubes, and feeling crappy.
So yeah I know how you feel. Hang in there!

Laura Mauk said...

thx, Miss A. it's comforting to know that you understand. i hate to complain too much or seem ungrateful but these past months have really taken their toll on me. phew.

danamite said...

Oh MAN! I wish we were already pregnant so I could be going through this with you - exactly! Because when I read this I feel as though I am reading my own words/feelings... my hubs is 8 years younger... I don't konw if I am going to be the woman who is madly in love with pregnancy... as I always mention... your words speak truth to me! Always... so much... thank you! xoxo

Leslie said...

Hey, welcome back! I'm glad you're ok, I was worried when we didn't hear from you.
I know what it's like to run out of things to say; I haven't been blogging much lately either.
And I'm not even pregnant, so no excuse! But sorry, I am one of those that looooves being pregnant.

Laura Mauk said...

@Dana, oh man i wish you were, too. then we could commiserate. and you have a younger husband, too! and so glad you appreciate the honesty.

Laura Mauk said...

@leslie, thank you. and i do like the middle part of being pregnant. at least i did the first time around. for some reason the beginning is just so difficult for me. i really wish i loved all of it. i always thought i would. sigh, disappointing. and on another note, i super loved your last post. really made me feel like giving, too.

Nancy said...

So happy that you're back but you definitely deserve a break! The first 3 mos of pregnancy is the worst of the worst.

LOL at what Kadin said about Jessica Simpson!

Laura Mauk said...

@Nancy, thanks! man, I did not remember those three mos being so torturous. think it was worse this time around. ugh.


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