a) I took Sabine to see Santa this evening. She covered her eyes and repeatedly said, "Go home, mama. Go home." She was traumatized. Terrified. She sobbed, shook, couldn't catch her breath and clung to me like a wet kitten. She never sat on his lap, but I thought about how weird it was that he shouted, "I love you," to her as we walked away. There was something creepy about him and it's creepy to tell a kid you don't even know that you love them. How about "Merry Christmas" instead? And there was certainly no way I was going to sit her on creepy santa's lap. Who knows where that lap has been? I don't want to know.
b) Every night before I put Sabine to bed, we turn off the lights then say goodnight to mama, dada, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpas and grandmas, including my mom, who has died. It kills me on a regular basis that my mom never got to meet Sabine and that Sabine doesn't get to know the best grandma a little girl could ever have. But tonight as we moved down the line of relatives, before I could say their names, Sabine said, "An gama Becky an ganpa Tom." My heart sank. My mom's favorite time of year was Christmas. I think she's Sabine's very own angel.
c) I was thinking last night as I rushed around to complete last minute errands and after I watched Shrek the Halls with Sabine that I haven't really sat with or had one of my long talks with Kadin. I've been too busy buying and wrapping crap, planning meals and getting our home ready for guests. But it's not about the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes or the right ribbon on a package or if I fold the last load of laundry. It's about laughing, talking, thinking and catching up with the ones I love. In ten years, I'm not going to give a rat's ass about the marshmallows. In ten years, I'm going to be looking back at this time that I'm in right now, thinking about how quickly it went by and wishing that I had more of it. So I'm done focusing on the small, meaningless tasks. And now I'm soaking up as much time with my husband, my tiny monster, my pops, my sisters and my sister-like friends.
Happy happiest holidays to everyone...regardless of what day(s) you celebrate or what you believe in...I hope you enjoy your family and/or friends and this chilly, cozy and hopefully merry season.